Mates
by everything rhymes with orange
Summary: Buffy sends Xander and Spike to a demon bar, where they are mistaken for a couple. Oneshot.


Xander surveyed the sight before him with a inward sigh.

Why did he get himself into these kinds of situations for Buffy?

_Oh, that's right_, he thought, _'cause she's been my best friend for years and she's saved my life dozens of times. And it doesn't hurt when she looks up at me with those big green eyes..._

Still, Xander felt like kicking himself now for having volunteered to go on a reconnaissance mission at one of Sunnydale's seediest demon bars. He was supposed to gather information on the whereabouts of a demon nest before the eggs hatched and little bundles of terror started rampaging through the city. Mama Demon had already been destroyed by Buffy, but Willow's research turned up that this particular breed of Nasty was likely to have already nested in the area.

Meanwhile, Papa Demon was still on the loose, causing havoc. While Buffy went searching for him, Willow was busy researching leads, and Dawn had a killer amount of algebra homework to do that would have terrified Xander more than facing these demons. (Actually, Buffy had refused to let Dawn accompany Xander on his mission on the grounds that she was too young.)

"That's right," Xander had said. The whole Scooby gang had gathered at Buffy's house to discuss their strategy against the demons. "Besides, I'm a strong, capable, intimidating man. I can handle this on my own!"

"Spike's going with you," Buffy said plainly.

"What?" Xander said. "You have got to be kidding!"

"Oh, come on, Xander," Spike said, dripping with faux-sincerity. "We're mates, aren't we?"

"No, we are _not_ mates! We will never be mates!"

That was the beginning of an argument that had lasted throughout the entire ride in Spike's black 1959 Desoto to their destination, the demon bar La Cucaracha (so named, Xander discovered upon entry, because the owner and bartender behind the counter were giant 8-foot-tall cockroach demons).

"Listen," Xander said to Spike as soon as they entered. "I know Buffy's got some sort of blind spot when it comes to you, but I can handle this by myself. So, you can tell her you helped me and earn your Slayer brownie points, but from here on out, it's splitsville. _Capiche_, Blondie?"

"Yeah, yeah, the great and intimidating Xander's got it covered. You go save the day, mate. I'm just here for the drinks."

With that, Spike grabbed the nearest demon waitress by the waist and whispered something into her pointed ear. Her short skirt hugged her tiny figure, and she giggled girlishly at whatever Spike was telling her. As she turned away, Xander caught a glimpse of her face and tried not to jolt in horror and draw attention to himself. She looked like something out of a nightmarish hellscape. She brought Spike a drink and the two began to talk in a corner.

_Yeeesh_, Xander thought. _All right, down to business..._

He took the only empty seat at the crowded bar.

"Whaddaya drink, maggot?" the giant cockroach wearing a server's apron hissed.

"Uh... specialty of the house," Xander said.

"One shot of goat urine coming up!" the cockroach shrieked, banging a steaming shot glass in front of him.

"Uh, thanks," Xander said, picking the glass up delicately. He winced, holding it up to his nose. _Geez_, he thought, glancing at all the unfriendly demon faces staring at him. It was a mishmash of almost every type of demon you could think of. Tall demons, short demons, demons that somewhat resembled humans, demons with no clear shape or form at all. _I feel like Luke at the Cantina..._

"Enjoy the drink," the cockroach hissed.

"Thanks," Xander said. "It smells great. Really."

"Because it'll be your last."

"Oh no."

"Around here, we kill any human that tries to come in," the cockroach rasped through its disgusting mandibles, "but we serve them one drink first. Because I like to get tips."

"That's fair," Xander said, feeling the demons drawing in. He was surrounded. "Listen, I don't want any trouble. I'm on your side. I came in with a vampire, see, that one over there..." In truth, Xander couldn't see Spike anymore. Had he disappeared into the back with that slutty waitress right when he needed him? _Dammit, Spike._ "I swear he was right there. Trust me, we're mates and-"

There was the screech of a bar stool being shoved backward and suddenly an incredibly tall and scary-looking demon with large horns on its head, back, and arms grabbed Xander by the front of his shirt.

"So, you two are _mates_, are you..." the demon growled. "That's worse than just being human scum."

"No, no, you misunderstand..." Xander said. He wanted to laugh, but stifled himself, fearing it would just provoke the demon quicker. The thought of him and Spike _together_ was just so ridiculous. "When I say 'mates,' I mean friends, buddies, compadreees-aaaa aaaa aaaa!"

The horned demon (Horny, Xander had named him in his head) was repeatedly bashing Xander's face against the countertop. "We don't like your kind!" the demon snarled. Blood began to gush out of Xander's nose, but he couldn't free himself from the demon's grip.

"Hey," a voice said.

Suddenly Xander heard the sound of a _thwack_ and the demon's head hitting the countertop next to him.

"Hands off my man," Spike said, grinding the demon's face into the grain.

Another demon made to attack Spike, but Spike kicked out, knocking the demon hard enough to send him flying into a table, splintering it with the force of its weight. The semi-circle of demons around Xander began backing off, clearly intimidated.

"You hear me, you bloody lightweights!" Spike yelled. "Anyone tries to mess with my human, you have to deal with me!"

In the back of the bar, the demon waitress muttered, "Why do I always fall for the wrong type?" and left for the back room.

"Now," Spike said, "let him go, or I'll crush your bloody skull in!"

The horned demon grunted, struggling to free himself from Spike's grasp. Xander's hair was still caught between his claws. Spike started pushing harder on the demon's face.

"All right, all right..." the demon muttered, and released his grip.

Xander's head popped up, and he panted, wiping the blood off his face with the back of his sleeve.

The demon gave Spike the once over. "So how come your skin doesn't sparkle, Vampire? I thought that was the way to tell if your type was..."

"Get out of here!" Spike roared. He kicked the demon on its way out for good measure.

The danger was over. Xander felt his breath returning to normal. Spike gave Xander a look.

"I swear, that book's done more damage to my kind than _Dracula_ has in 100 years..."

"Uh, Spike...?" Xander said. "Sweetie? Shouldn't we get the information we came here for...?"

"Oh right," Spike said. "Which one of you lot can tell us about the Renshak demons that nested in Sunnydale?"

A small, green demon that looked vaguely like a 2-foot-tall salamander spoke up quietly. "You mean the Renshak demon you just threw out of the bar?"

"What?" Xander cried. "That was the male Renshak? But he looked nothing like the female Renshak Buffy killed!"

"Of course he wouldn't look like a female," the salamander demon said. "Takaroq's been bragging around these parts for the past week about how he nested with a female on the ruins of the old high school. He's been trying to convince everyone he's straight."

Spike and Xander exhanged a look. "You mean he's...?"

The bartender cockroach nodded, his 3-foot-long antennae flopping up and down. "I've been trying to tell him for months how we all accept him, isn't that right, fellas?" he hissed softly.

There was a grumble of demon voices, all muttering, "Oh yeah," "that's right," and "we tried to tell him".

"Well," Xander said, "this has been... enlightening. I think we got the info we came for." He tugged on Spike's jacket. "Come on, Blondie Bear, let's go."

"You got it, Sugar Lips."

The two of them left the bar, jumped into Spike's Desoto, and sped toward the former location of Sunnydale High to destroy the nest. Xander called Buffy on his cell phone and told her to meet them there.

"Roger that," Buffy said. "So, you and Spike make a good team, huh?"

"I don't want to talk about it," he said, and snapped the phone shut. He gave Spike a look. "You know, Spike, none of this would have happened if you hadn't argued with me using your damn British slang the whole ride over. It got stuck in my head and it just slipped out."

Spike raised his eyebrows. "Huh. Wasn't it Freud who said there's no such things as accidents?"

"Shut up, Spike!"

"No need to get your panties in a twist... _mate_."

"Spike!"

They were still bickering like this when Buffy found them at the site of the destroyed high school.

"You know," she sighed, "sometimes I think you two act like a couple."


End file.
